Time to come clean.

Hi everyone! Yes, I know that it's been plenty well over a year since I updated this thing and that is incredibly lame on my part. There have been a lot of factors contributing to why I haven't been posting. The relative ease of Facebook, my busy schedule and my lack of super exciting/interesting things to share all share the blame.

Lately though, there's been a pretty serious reason why I haven't really been reaching out on the interwebs or on the phone to most of you. I haven't really told anyone about this except for my Dad because it's a pretty easy thing to keep hidden when you live thousands of miles away from your friends and your co-workers aren't 100% fluent in English. The past couple of months I've been dealing with a really heavy run of depression. Part of it was can certainly be blamed on the holidays and the shift in seasons to the long and cold nights of winter. I've missed my friends this year, especially after spending just two short weeks @ home, and it's hard to stay cheery when all you care about is getting from point A to point B without slipping on your ass. The holidays were extra hard this year since I only got two phone calls on Christmas day and three cards in the mail. I know it sounds selfish and immature; I'm even berating myself as I type it, but I've been feeling like I'm forgotten by a lot of my friends and even my family. I know it's also partly my fault because I haven't reached out either, but I can't find the energy to do it when my self-esteem is pretty low and I feel like I'm better left as the castaway.

I usually pride myself on being optimistic and letting things roll off my shoulders, but this year it has been really hard to stay positive. I feel like my life is in stand still. Everyone back home is moving, getting married, having children or finishing grad school and I'm living a pretty solitary life without many people to talk to. Thoughts have even come into my head about how few people would even notice if I were gone or would even come to my funeral. Trust me, it's just as scary for me to be typing this as it is for you to be reading it. I never thought I could go to a place where I contemplated what it would be like if my life were cut short, but I've gone there and to be honest it didn't look so bad.

I'm not looking for a pity party and the last thing I want is to guilt trip anyone. I got a pretty rude awakening today about myself and I just wanted to get this all out there and try to find a way to make myself better. I don't want to be the controlling, nitpicking, overly-expectant person that I tend to come off as. I want to find that person who isn't so worried about her future that she forgets to enjoy the present and realize that she's been given a pretty awesome gift of living and working abroad. We each have our own path to take and it's time that I start appreciating mine for what it's worth. The problem is finding the inspiration to actually do that. I've been through a lot in my life, but today was the first time someone actually made me cry with their brutal honesty about how I behave. It's hard having a laundry list of your flaws read to you, but I think I needed it.

Sorry this has gone so dark and I'm sorry for dropping off and not putting out as much effort as I expect from other people. My resolution this year is to change. To smile more. To go with the flow. To accept that life doesn't function according to any plans I make or any schedules I try to keep. Life is something to be lived in every moment!